Category Archives: Manday

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What Qualities of Manliness Stand the Test of Time?

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What Qualities of Manliness - 1Cosmopolitan Magazine began its publishing life as a quality family oriented magazine. Unfortunately it has evolved into a “Grocery Store Checkout” magazine that is chock full of what celebrity is being physically altered and what is their favorite food or sexual activity. None of which I am particularly interested in.

However, in August of 1902, a man by the name of Rafford Pyke wrote an article entitled, “What Men Like in Men.” In 1902 you could title an article that way and no one would laugh or even consider the double entendre that it would surely produce if it appeared today. Especially in a magazine like Cosmopolitan has evolved into. Don’t Google Rafford Pyke unless you are looking for the depressing story of his life, the realization that he himself did not act in an honorable manner, and the discovery that Pyke was not even his real name.

Consider what Pyke says: “If you were to ask the average man to tell you offhand just what qualities he likes in other men, he would probably boggle a good deal over his answer. His first impulse would be to say, “Oh, I don’t know!” which is with men a convenient formula for avoiding thought upon unexpected or (to them) uninteresting topics. A little later, after turning the matter over in his mind, he would give you a catalogue of qualities to which he would be willing to swear. His list, however, would bear a strong resemblance to the “hundred-best-book” lists made my persons who sincerely believe that they are expressing their own literary preferences, but who are actually indulging in a bit of intellectual pose. Just as these individuals mention the books which they feel they ought to enjoy reading rather than those which they really read, so the average man will name a number of qualities which he thinks he likes, rather than those which in his heart of hearts he actually does like.”

What Qualities of Manliness - 2It was much easier for Pyke to determine what men disliked in other men. And the character or quality that they disliked was that of being or acting like

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Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche

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Real Men Don't Eat Quiche - 1Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche was a a bestselling tongue-in-cheek book satirizing stereotypes of masculinity very popular that was published the year that my wife and I got married. I confess that I wasn’t much of a reader at that time. So, my only real exposure to the book was from pop culture and from listening to what commentators and other pundits had to say about that book.

The book was an attempt to refer to or suggest that a man who is a dilettante, a trend-chaser, an over-anxious conformist to fashionable forms of “lifestyle”, and socially correct behaviors and opinions, one who lacks the traditional masculine virtue of tough self-assurance is therefore NOT a real man. The book’s humor derives its’ message from the fears and confusion of contemporary 1980s middle-class men about how they ought to behave, after a decade of various forms of feminist critique on traditional male roles and beliefs. The book was on the New York Times Best Seller list for 55 weeks, and sold over 1.6 million copies at the time.

Real Men Don't Eat Quiche - 2It is a shame that that book had to be written. It never would have been written had there not been a glaring blemish on traditional manhood and manly behavior. Recently we have seen a spate of more books that are an “encouragement” to men to return to some man’s view of what a man really is.

I will not take this opportunity to debate the merits of either book. But I will offer this thought as some additional fodder for consideration.

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Accountability: The Single Man and Self Control

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Many conversations of accountability focus strongly on the married man.   Unfortunately, the profile on which we build our foundation comes from the perspective of an established family man.  I have done many single men a disservice by not providing them a foundation on which to stand.  Hopefully, I can provide a challenge to the single man with a perspective for single-minded accountability.

Every man needs accountability.  When I say every man…that includes single men.  I personally believe single men need it now more than ever.  I observe young single men who believe they know it all and say some of the stupidest things in mixed company.  They treat their women as buddies instead of delicate flowers.  Augh!   This is something I never understood.  My Father raised me differently.  I never spoke ill of the opposite sex.  I always treated women with respect and honor.  So Single men…if you will listen up I am going to tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear.

So who am I accountable to?  First and foremost, you are accountable to the ultimate power in the universe.  God.  The Creator of the universe.  Nothing has changed here…same message.  He brought you into this world…He can take you out.

You are in-experienced, immature, and, candidly, horny.  You are not entitled to damage single women because you can’t control yourself with her or with porn.

Second, if you are single,  you are accountable to self-control and your future spouse.  This is key.  You are not married.  You need to practice self-control.  As a young single male…you are already behind the curve.  How?  You are in-experienced, immature, and, candidly, horny.  You are not entitled to damage single women because you are unwilling to or won’t control yourself with her or with porn.  If you are in a relationship, you treat that woman with respect and honor.  You don’t criticize her beautiful looks and you don’t embarrass her in public by announcing her flaws and shortcomings.  Grow up, man.  Scratching, spitting, cursing, belching, farting, and fist bumping are all guy things and she is not expecting that from you.   Control your tongue, don’t curse in front of her and don’t share crude jokes in her presence.  She does not desire that from you.  She is looking for a strong man, a future husband, and future father who chooses his words thoughtfully.  She needs the reassurance you can nurture a child she gives you when you and her become one.

Your lack of commitment is cowardice.  Plain and simple.  And she is foolish to stay with you in hopes you will grow a pair and commit.  But this is on you.  Not her.  Your actions are dictating the relationship and you should be ashamed.  Let’s table that for another day…

Third, practice what I preach.  Find a group of men.  I have been accountable to a group of three men for over 13 years.  I call them my 300. I am 100% invested in their lives and they in mine.  Thus 300!  These men have my back and I have theirs.

As a young single man, you need to find a group of men and meet.  I recommend they be your peers and be somewhat in your same season of life, age, and like-minded interests.   Find men that make you a better man.  Don’t hang out with men that wake up naked with women they don’t know.  Because you will learn to compromise yourself in every aspect of your life and sadly laugh it off.

Find a Grey Haired.  You need to find a grey haired man to mentor you.  As a young man, you may not rely so much on your parents’ advise.  Truth is at your age the hardest thing is to admit that your parents are right about the years of unwanted advice they bestowed upon you.  So what most young men do is not ask for advice from their parents.  Find a Grey Hair and ask them for advice.  Then practice what they preach.  You see they have navigated the foxholes in the battlefield of life…and they can show the path of least resistance.

Listen, I have less hair than you and what remains is grey…your job is to shut up, listen, and thank me for looking out for your sorry butt. 

Most importantly, be COACH-able.  Nothing irks me more, when I provide simple advice to a young colleague on the ways of the world. Instead of a thoughtful pause of reflection, I get a “I know it all” rebuttal.  Or the young buck gets offended because his ego can’t take criticism.  Really? Listen, I have less hair than you and what remains is grey…your job is to shut up, listen, and thank me for looking out for your sorry butt.  I took the time to notice a flaw, an imperfection, a chink in your armor that can be corrected. Then I man’d up and brought it to your attention.  At least, consider it.   But don’t dismiss it.

For the most part, the young single men I have the privilege to ride with on patrol are amazing.  I am surrounded by sensible young men with a regard to better themselves everyday.  I am part of a brotherhood.  These men I would take a bullet for.

To the single man, be strong and self controlled.  You got this!

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Manday Quote: Ben Franklin

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Here is my Creed. I believe in one God, the Creator of the Universe.  That He governs it by His providence. That He ought to be worshiped. That the most acceptable service we render to Him is in doing good to His other children.  That the soul of man is immortal, and will be treated with Justice in another life respecting its conduct in this.  These I take to be fundamental points in all sound religion, and I regard them as you do in whatever sect I meet with them.  As to Jesus of Nazareth, my opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the system of morals and his religion, as he left them to us, is the best the world ever saw, or is likely to see.

Benjamin Franklin, March 9, 1790

Do you have a creed?

 

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**REPOST** Accountability: Like-Minded versus Life-Minded

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**Originally posted February 11, 2013**

As humans, we have a tendency to gravitate toward like-minded individuals and passions. Our society dictates this model through political correctness, polling, media, rugged individualism, and Climate Change. (Okay…not so much Climate Change but you catch my drift.) The danger is we subscribe to it like sheep in relationships and because we are like-minded we are easily deceived and we believe that everything is okay in our little like-minded world. So we scratch our heads wondering when the wheels fell off the wagon. But why do we subscribe to it? Why do we dismiss a need for true meaningful accountability?

The first reason-It is comfortable. As you meet with friends, you will find that you look the same. You have the same likes, desires, and dislikes. You worship the same. You agree on the same political platforms. You may even like the same football teams. You may even hate the same football teams. You may even subscribe to society’s idea of success-The big house in the gated community, 3.2 kids, the latest cell phone, newest car, and financial portfolio. While there is nothing wrong with these things. The danger is when men view their affluence as a form of holiness. So we look at the cover of the book and judge everything is cool.

After all, you and your buddy didn’t vote for that guy. Things will turn out. We will just keep listening to talk radio and complain all the time. Yes. It’s a shame his wife resents him for not being employed and hanging out with you. But things will work out when the economy turns. There is comfort in being like-minded.

The second reason-It is easy. Like-mindedness can be void of challenge. The conversations are easy and shallow. They are just on the surface. The prayer requests are simple. The dirt really never hits the fan and when topics get heavy you can reel in that hook before you get too deep and get a bite. Lord forbid you actually talk about anything with real substance. You wouldn’t want to challenge your buddy’s weekly golf appointment because he appears to have it all while his family crumbles.

After all, your buddy is like you. Self-made man and any issues that arise, you can handle. You don’t need this accountability stuff. You show up to church on Sundays and give. Your kids are fine and you definitely don’t want to challenge your wife’s secret daily Starbucks habit as long as you keep your habits a secret. At least that’s what the new cute secretary tells you. You have a good job. God must be blessing you.

So we bumble through life thinking everything is okay and we maintain shallow relationships. It is dangerous.

As I continue to strive and seek accountability in my relationships, I have noticed a need for discomfort and difficulty when engaging certain groups. Tension is good. I need to be told what I need to hear not what I want to hear. I don’t need relationships where men will justify my mistakes, rationalize my failures, and encourage my proclivities. I need men in my life committed to life transformation through Christ who will tell me unapologetically that I am not the man God wants me to be. I need friends who will call me out and cry “bull” and tell me to shape-up, clean-up, and Man-Up.

In my accountability relationships, I have the license to ask the tough questions to seek answers to the dark off-limits of manhood. And I allow those tough questions to be posed towards me. Because, ultimately the goal is not just be a good man today…but to be a great man everyday for years to come. It is long process. It is a life long process.

In a recent group discussion, I challenged over thirty like-minded men that their lives depend on life-minded accountability. Let me repeat that. Your life depends on accountability. (I’m not a gambling man…but I bet there were 30 different reactions to that statement.) If you continue to maintain surface like-minded relationships you will survive but you won’t live. You will fake it at work, at church, at home and you will achieve an emptiness that our society calls success.

Conversely, if you seek life-minded relationships, you strike at the core issues of life and you will begin to live. My challenge to you. Every man needs accountability. Your life depends on it. Seek men who are life-minded and committed to life-transformation through Christ.

Today.

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Happy, Happy, Happy

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I recently discovered a show that many know about — Duck Dynasty.

When I first heard about the show, I thought it was a Daffy Duck cartoon.  I admit watching the show makes me “Happy, Happy, Happy”.  “Hey!” It’s good entertainment.

I grew up watching re-runs of the Andy Griffith Show, Leave it to Beaver, and I Love Lucy.  Those shows were reminders of a more innocent time. The shows were wholesome.  I miss those shows.  (Of course, with on-demand television, you can re-visit those shows anytime.)  Those shows as dated as they are now…reminded us of the basics:  Family, Faith, and dare I say Fathers.

For those of you, who don’t know.  Duck Dynasty is a “reality tv show” that follows a Louisiana family called the Robertsons.  The Robertson family are basically the Clampetts of Duck Calls.  They made a fortune creating, selling, and merchandising their Duck Commander duck calls.  The show follows the CEO, his wise father, and the antics of his Redneck Brothers and crazy Uncle SI.

The family trudges through the daily grinds of life like sibling rivalry, teaching their oldest daughter to drive, dating, homecoming dress codes, Career day at school, being arrested while frog hunting, yuppie wives and yuppie children all while dealing with their pop-culture educated crazy uncle Si.   The show is reminiscent of the innocence of Mayberry and slapstick of Lucy crushing grapes into wine with her feet in the Italian country side.

Every show ends with the family gathered around a meal (recently hunted) and a grateful prayer to the Lord above for their blessing.

Now…portions if not all of the show are staged.  No doubt the Robertson clan are shrewd business men portrayed as bumbling idiots who love to be boys.  My good friends remind me of the Robertson clan.  Allen is Will.  Ken is Jase.  Mark is Martin.  And that would make me…Si.

Today if you lament about the lack of good clean television programming.  May I suggest Duck Dynasty to you.  It will make you Happy, Happy, Happy.

 

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Manday Quote: Insecure Leadership

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My Senior Pastor Gregg Matte made many penetrating statements in a recent sermon that caught my attention.  But there is always that one  “SQUIRREL” moment when my pastor mentions leadership in his message.

“Insecure leaders make people-pleasing their priority instead of leading.”

Pastor Gregg was providing a breakdown of all the Herods listed in the Bible from Jesus’ birth to the preaching of Paul.  Our Pastor noted that one of the Herods became so enamored with the positive response of the Jews after he beheaded James, the brother of John.  He was so encouraged by the response, Herod decided to arrest Peter in an attempt to please the Jewish masses.  Herod became a people-pleaser.

The Senior Pastor then went on to confess that he has chosen the path of people-pleasing  and will probably do that in the future.  Now…he wasn’t comparing himself to Herod.  But as a leader, Pastor Gregg was admitting that it is human nature to accept insecurity and grasp at anything to please critics and followers instead of making the hard decisions and leading.

I have done it.  It is the path of least resistance.  I forfeited the opportunity to lead for the accolades and “likes” of men.

Men can have this tendency to choose the people-pleasing route instead of leading.

 

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Manday: Hemingway Quote

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Our own Billy wrote an amazing article based on Col Grossman’s evaluation of the three types of people. Billy’s Sheepdog article is one of the most popular articles at Leadership Voices.  I am a Police Officer.  I consider myself a Sheepdog. I hunt things that go bump in the night.  While you sleep, we, sheepdogs, own the night.

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. -Ernest Hemingway

Recently, I ran across the Hemingway quote emblazoned on the back of a t-shirt designed for Law Enforcement personnel.   The shirt is produced by Certified Wolf Hunter.  I thought I would share it with the leadership blogoshpere.

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Billy and I had a discussion about this…with our leader Kevin stirring it up.

So are you a Sheepdog…or a Wolf Hunter?

 

 

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Manhood is a struggle

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Benjamin Disraeli

Such are the words of Benjamin Disraeli.  His actual and full quote is as follows:

“Youth is a blunder; Manhood a struggle, Old age a regret.”

For those who are unfamiliar, Benjamin Disraeli was one of the Prime Ministers of Great Britain.  Actually, he served as PM twice in his long career in British Parliament and politics.  He was a key figure in creating what became the modern Conservative Party.  There is much debate on his overall role in the pantheon of conservative thought.  But, he was quite the literary figure as well.

The quote above is from a political novel, Coningsby.  This novel set in the 1830s the life and career of Henry Coningsby, an orphan grandson of a wealthy marquess, Lord Monmouth. Lord Monmouth initially disapproved of Coningsby’s parents’ marriage, but on their death he relents, decides to provide for the boy and sends young Coningsby to be educated at Eton College. At Eton Coningsby meets and befriends Oswald Millbank, the son of a rich cotton manufacturer who is a bitter enemy of Lord Monmouth. The two older men represent old and new wealth in society.

As Coningsby grows up he begins to develop his own liberal political views and he falls in love with Oswald’s sister Edith. When Lord Monmouth discovers these developments he is furious and secretly disinherits his grandson. On his death, Coningsby is left penniless, and is forced to work for his living. He decides to study law and to become a barrister. This proof of his character impresses Edith’s father (who had previously also been hostile) and he consents to their marriage at last. By the end of the novel Coningsby is elected to Parliament for his new father-in-law’s constituency and his fortune is restored.

If you decide to dive into this book, you will find the quote above.  Don’t bother.

Here is my point for Manday today.

I acknowledge that my youth has been full of blunders.  There have been too many to recount here.  And I will admit that manhood has at times proven to be a struggle.  But, I refuse to reach old age and have regrets.  I refuse to live life without giving it my all in my struggle to be the man that God called me to be, the husband that my wife needs me to be, the father that my children need me to be and the “Papa” that my grandchildren need me to be.

What about you today?  Are you struggling a little?  Then join the crowd.  But join with us and fight the good fight and let’s overcome together!

 

Photo credit: Political Graveyard / Foter / CC BY
Photo credit: Gwynhafyr / Foter / CC BY-NC

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Best Laid Plans . . .

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Best laid Plans

Well…the week didn’t go so smooth.

Our Leader and Founder of Leadership Voices ventured away on vacation. He delegated authority while he was gone. He kindly asked me, his Number One, to keep an eye on things while he was away. As good leadership should do, he advised me that there were numerous hacking attempts on our site through our hosting provider. This was common but I believe it may have gotten more severe since I posted a rant on Anthony Weiner.

Sure enough, despite my best efforts I was unable to login to post my or any article much less assist anyone. I was locked out. And as a subordinate, I had no administrative access to the website. So I just let things ride…hoping no sordid ads or comments would post on Women’s Wednesday or Team Tuesday or Fatherhood Friday.

That is where the dilemma arose. Should I notify our leader or let him enjoy his vacation?

As a leader would you want to know if things were going awry or would you want to know once you returned?

Now I know our leader will weigh in on this…but I would like to know your thoughts.

Lastly, the world didn’t come to an end. No lives were lost because we didn’t post on our regular days. No animals were harmed because I felt the need to kick a dog in frustration. The blogosphere didn’t collapse. Life went on.