I want to be liked. Do you want to be liked? I think that everyone wants to be liked.

Do we need to be liked to be an effective leader?

Here is another question.

Do we need to be liked to be an effective father?

There is something inside a man that longs for respect. And I think that many, if not most men would choose respect over love if they had to make such a choice. So, what do we do with that reality?

I am not sure what comes easier for our children. But I think it is probably easier or more natural for our children to like and love us. I mean, they come into this world and we are teamed with their closest caregiver – their mother. So it is very easy for them to develop a needs based affection for us. And it is equally easy for that to further develop into a love relationship based upon a family connection.

Respect comes as they grow older and probably comes initially naturally. Our children may not recognize it as respect. But as they grow older they will learn to recognize it as respect and it will grow if we are the father that we are called to be.

What happens if something in the father – child relationship gets fractured and it brings harm to the love relationship?

Our sons and our daughters both need us. But, I must confess that, right or wrong, usually our hearts are a little more tender when it comes to our daughters. Nevertheless, if our kids are given the opportunity, sometimes they will lose their minds.

Part of our coaching role is to bring them back to reality. Our daughters need us to guide them. And she also needs you to walk a very fine line sometimes. Your guidance should be more than simply setting a fine example, but it should not be an endless stream of lectures and diatribes.  So what do we do?  How do we guide?

Dad, do you have a plan to help your son become a real man?

You’ve heard the maxim: If you fail to plan, you may as well plan to fail. Or, as I heard in a sermon illustration many years ago: “A porpoise without a purpose in bounder flounder.”  (I guess you had to be there . . .)

Your son needs a father who is thinking about his son’s future and taking action to prepare them for that future—whether we’re talking about tomorrow, next week, next year, or ten years from now.

So, what should we help them to plan for? They will need at least the following:

They will need to plan for a vocation. They may have many jobs before they settle in to a career. But they need a plan on how to start. You can help your son plan for his vocational future by:

• Helping him explore a wide variety of interests and hobbies. Is he gifted at music? Has he been to space camp? Is he a superstar athlete? Is he a writer? Is he a builder? He won’t know unless he tries.
• Helping your son brainstorm about career possibilities, and then exposing him to jobs that might interest him. You can do this well before high school. If he wants to be doctor, see if you can take a tour of a hospital and ask a doctor some questions about being a medical professional.
• Trying not to talk negatively about your own career. Those comments muttered under your breath make a big impression on him. Not only do they shape your son’s ideas about your job, they color his impression of work in general.
• Encouraging an entrepreneurial spirit. Our society needs more business owners and those willing to be creators of jobs for others. Those baby-sitting and lawn-mowing jobs teach your kids that both time and effort have their rewards.

They will need a plan for choosing a life’s mate. Dad, don’t leave your son to learn these things from his friends or some men’s magazine that he picks up. Give him accurate information. Help him really understand the importance of integrity, purity, and respect for women. You can help him plan for a healthy dating and marriage relationship by:

Until she meets “Mr. Right” (and maybe even after that) you will be the greatest influence on your daughter’s view of herself and all of her many attributes.

So let’s start with the most obvious — Your daughter’s body self-image.  I cannot imagine what it must be like to grow up as a girl in today’s culture. One trip to the grocery store (and I try to avoid that place) tells you all that you need to know about what our culture values when it comes to a girl’s physical appearance. Even after the same magazines that portray a certain unattainable image go on and print an “expose” on how celebrities are airbrushed to carve away pounds and remove natural imperfections in their skin, our daughters still view themselves through the lens of all of those magazines near the check-out stands.

The sad reality is that we live in a world that oftentimes places more emphasis on a girl’s outer beauty than on her inner beauty.  And that emphasis has been since time began.

You have a limited time to influence how she views herself. Don’t waste a moment of it. Tell her early and often that she is as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside. And emphasize the inner beauty for its lasting qualities that time cannot wrinkle or sag.

So, what about those non-physical attributes? 

Our sons need us to model and monitor purity and respect for them.

That doesn’t sound very fun, does it? And what does it even mean?

It means that our sons need us to model purity and respect for him and monitor his ability to follow our example.

Most fathers would never intentionally instruct their son into a potentially destructive habit like alcoholism or drug dependence. Yet that’s exactly what can happen if we aren’t intentionally modeling purity for them, demonstrating respect for those around us respect and helping them remain “pure” in their thoughts and actions.

This is why I say you must be a “purity and respect” model and monitor.

Many young men have lost their sense of respect, and it especially shows in their speech. They trash talk, curse, and make crude jokes about those who they view as being less significant than themselves. They denigrate women or use foul language in front of children. Somewhere along the way, someone failed to correct their behavior. Most often it was due to the lack of a strong father in the home. And they learned how to deal with others through late night on HBO.

The “vision” that I am talking about has to do with the attitude that a father conveys about who he feels that his daughter is and what he feels that she can become.

All fathers have a vision of what potential is wrapped up in their young lives. And it is our job to cast a vision to their children about what they can become.

However, we must be careful because if we aren’t intentionally positive in the way we influence our children’s future, then we become overbearing and communicate disappointment in what they are or what they are becoming. And being negative or disappointed in your daughter’s present and future can be devastating.

So, what does a negative vision look like?

A negative vision can be downright demanding and demeaning. Negative vision sounds like:

“No kid of mine is going to come home with a report card with C-s on it. What’s wrong with you?”

“Why did you let that girl beat you at the last second?”

Negative vision can also be condemning:

“I know you were talking to that boyfriend on the phone. Why don’t you just tell me the truth? You’re turning into a liar!”

Or, it can be pessimistic and fatalistic:

“Don’t worry about doing well in math; boys are usually better at these subjects.”

On the other hand, a positive vision allows our daughters to see the good in their actions and their character.

So, what does a positive vision look like?