Have you ever gone “Orienteering”? For those of you unfamiliar with Orienteering, I offer the following definition as found in Wikipedia:

Orienteering is a family of sports that requires navigational skills using a map and compass to navigate from point to point in diverse and usually unfamiliar terrain, and normally moving at speed. Participants are given a topographical map, usually a specially prepared orienteering map, which they use to find control points. Originally a training exercise in land navigation for military officers, orienteering has developed many variations. (Emphasis added by me.)

Ok, so what is a “Control Point”? I am glad you asked. Consider the following, also from Wikipedia:

A control point (CP, also control and checkpoint) is a marked waypoint used in orienteering and related sports such as rogaining and adventure racing. It is located in the competition area; marked both on an orienteering map and in the terrain; and described on a control description sheet. The control point must be identifiable on the map and on the ground. A control point has three components: a high visibility item, known as a flag or kite; an identifier, known as a control code; and a recording mechanism for contestants to record proof that they visited the control point.

OK, I could write for a week on the implications of the information above. But I will resist. Rather, I will stick to a specific application of the principle.  So, just what is the principle here?

What would be your first words to your daughter if …

… she lost the new smartphone that you just bought for her?

… she caused a fender-bender?

… she got a ticket for texting while driving?

… she was caught skipping school to hang out with her boyfriend?

What would your first thoughts be? What would your first actual words be to her? Would they be comforting words, or words of anger and judgment?

Throughout history there is tons of anecdotal evidence to suggest that our daughters do not feel they can communicate with their fathers. They are afraid of what their father may say or do. They wonder; Will he get red-faced and blow up? Have they observed their father respond in less than positive ways when their mother puts a dent in the car while pulling into the garage?

Stay with me here. I am not suggesting that as fathers we should relax our values or our standards. And car repairs are not cheap. (That is why we have car insurance, right?) But sometimes the greater good is to be a comforting and consoling father to a daughter who is hurting – even if it is because of her own poor choices.

So, Mr. Tough Guy, how do we do that? How do we demonstrate comfort and compassion?

We need to cultivate an awareness and culture of love—or gentleness and kindness toward others—in our sons.  He needs you to show him how to love.

As fathers, we sometimes fail to affirm our sons. Why? Maybe we fail because it is too uncomfortable for us. Maybe we fail because we were not affirmed as young children and young men by our own fathers. It is easy to see how bad habits follow along generational lines. Maybe it is time to create some new patterns of behavior and pass them along to our sons.

We are the closest resource (for good or bad) that our sons have that will have as an example of what it is to love and demonstrate love to those around him. It is up to us to teach them that manly love is positive, gentle, giving and demonstrable in tangible ways to the objects of our love.

Good communication is one of the keys to understanding and communicating love. It is our responsibility to make communication a high priority so that we can teach our sons by example and through practice. Our sons should have heard from our lips that we love them. They should also have heard from our lips words of love and affirmation to the rest of the family. Especially, they should hear us say that to the mother of our children. They should hear us tell her that we love her on a daily basis.

But communicating love is a two-way street.

There is nothing I wouldn’t have done to protect my daughter when she was little. And, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do today to protect her if it were within my power. And don’t even think about hurting my granddaughter!

We usually think of the act of guarding or protection as defending our daughters’ physical safety. And that is extremely important. But there are also emotional, moral, and spiritual dangers out there that we as fathers need to protect our daughters from. The cool thing is that if we are doing our job right, our daughters will have a sense of security even when we aren’t physically there to protect them.  Because the truth of the matter is, some day we won’t be there.  She will be hundreds of miles away at college or maybe just down the street at a friends’ house.

So how do we accomplish that?

Welcome to the first article in a multi-part series that deals with the things that we, as fathers, need to do for our children, model for our children, provide for our children, or give to our children. It is my plan to deal with our children differently. And by “differently” I mean I will deal with them and address my words based upon their gender.

I plan to deal with them on alternating weeks. And, perhaps because my firstborn is a son, I have chosen to address this first article to those of us who have been blessed with a son. And this week I will begin with a moral and Spiritual foundation.

Our sons need a spiritual or moral foundation and they need additional milestones along the way

A Spiritual or moral foundation is vital and it is from that foundation that we build the rest of the processes for decision-making and the subsequent actions based upon those decisions. Milestones are the events, experiences, or habits that you expose him to that help to activate your son’s faith and teach him what it means to live a life that looks out beyond the end of his nose.

There are many upon which I can comment. But, to keep these short (or reasonably short) I will limit them to just these few:

Every man that I know who is a father wants to be a great father. He wants to be a terrific role model whom his children respect and admire.He wants to succeed at what his gut and instinct tells him that it is a tough job.

And the research in this area is very clear: Your children are calling out to you, begging for your attention. The problem is that the call is often disguised as misbehavior or the inability to listen to you or obey you when you speak to them.  The statistics depict the following narrative: When children do not have involved fathers, they do not do as well in school, they are more likely to turn to drugs or alcohol, and be involved with premarital pregnancy. They are more likely to grow to be adults who live in poverty, and they are more likely to turn to crime. And they are almost certain to repeat the cycle with their own children some day.

On the other hand,

Lately all my friends are worried that are turning into their fathers. I’m worried I’m not.

Dan Zevin

For those of you unfamiliar with Dan Zevin, he is a comedian, commentator and author.  His latest project is Star Vehicle, a YouTube talk show he hosts inside his minivan.  I don’t even know what to say about that last little factoid.

But this I do know.  Who we are has a great deal to do with who we have seen and who has influenced our lives.  Scientists and doctors keep lowering the age at which they can determine real and measurable impact on a child based upon its environment.  This is a sobering thought.  As fathers we sometimes think that our children are unaware of what we, the grownups, say and do.  We sometimes treat our children as though they are deaf and blind until they start school. But we have already imprinted a great deal upon their hearts and minds about what it is to be a man and a father.

So, let’s go back to Zevin’s quote.  And here is the point for Fatherhood Friday.  He clearly had a different imprint on his heart and mind about what being a father is really about.  His friends apparently didn’t like what they saw in their father.  Zevin obviously did.

What about you?  What did you see growing up?  And now, what are your children seeing?

Photo credit: Sunfrog1 / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA

You walk in the door from a very long day of work.  It is hot and you are tired.

Child: “Hey Daddy! Wanna play hide and go sneak?”

Father (Thinking to himself): “Um . . .  No, not really.  I have been at work all day and all I really want to do is sit down, watch the news and catch a few innings of the baseball game.”

Father (In reality): “Of course!  I was hoping to get to do that tonight!” (At what age do you think kids start to understand sarcasm?)

Maybe you are a better father than me.  Maybe you never had the the kinds of thoughts that popped in my head from time to time when my children were young.  But, I was always pretty sure that I know where my child was going to hide — under the bed — again.  Just like the last time we played.  And the time before that.

But here is where I get to make a choice.  Will I choose to make this about me? Or about my child?  And from whose perspective will I view this request.

Everyone has a great “Father knows best” story.  Or, at least, everyone has a favorite anecdote about their Dad.

So, I am calling all Fathers to send me your favorite story about being a Dad.  And you Kids, I need you to send me your favorite story about your Dad.

I will take a look at each one and pick on of them to be the featured article for the Fatherhood Friday before this coming Father’s Day, June 16th.  Can you do it?  Will you do it?  It can be funny.  It can be heartwarming.  It can be anything that is memorable to you.  Let’s see who has the best story to share for Fatherhood Friday the 14th of June.

And, don’t worry, if you want it to be anonymous, just tell me and we will post it anonymously.  So, start thinking about it and try to remember the details of a great fatherhood story.  Send it to me by email at Kevin@LeadershipVoices.com.

Photo credit: DNAMichaud / Foter.com / CC BY