Category Archives: Fatherhood

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The Daddy Daughter Disconnect

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I started this as an attempt to put together a piece on “Leading My Daughters”, in the course of my normal research I found this article and it brought me to tears. Some of you have daughters, some of you don’t, but this is the truth, they are different, and leading them is difficult. I hope this means as much to you as it did me.

It is called, “Daddies, Please Hear Us!”

Daddy Daughter Disconnect - 1Fathers, this writing is on behalf of your daughters who need you desperately. These words are not meant to blame, hurt, or point fingers, but to rattle you into responsiveness, to shake you into action. We daughters are a national dilemma. You won’t hear about us on the six o’clock news, but we are here

We are living under your roof, eating from the same dinner table as you, pouring from the same milk carton. We are spending at least eighteen years, or 6,570 days with you at home. We pass you in the hall and wonder why we aren’t enough to catch your eye. We wonder what on earth a television set, a newspaper, has that we don’t. We are curious why you don’t get fired up for your daughters like you do the big game.

We are attuned to the fact you don’t seem very interested in our words, our feelings, our deepest convictions and doubts. We sob on the inside.

Daddy Daughter Disconnect - 2When you ignore us you are changing who we are. You are changing who we were made to be, and not for the better. You may not see any results of your emotional absence now, but soon you will. When we drink too much, use drugs, and have premarital sex, then you will see. When we cheat, lie, drive drunk, choose to date and marry mean guys, and get pregnant out of wedlock, then you will see. You will see our low self-esteem manifested. Our insecurity will come to life and you will probably be mad at us. You shouldn’t be. You should be mad at yourself for not paying more attention to us when we were little girls.

Fathers, we are hurting.

Fathers, we thank you for the education, our shelter, food, and clothes, but fathers, we need more.

We are tender-hearted, but you wouldn’t know because you’ve never stared into our hearts.

We are not like boys. Maybe boys can be tough, but we need our daddy’s tenderness.

We need your comfort when we hurt.

We need you to love us dearly and show love constantly so we know what to look for in a man when we grow up. By constantly, I mean constantly. Daily. Hourly. All the time.

Daddy Daughter Disconnect - 3And when you are home with us, really be home with us. Reading the newspaper and going to bed, all the while not saying a word to us, is not being with us.

We feel ignored.

We feel sad.

You are making us feel insecure about ourselves. And worst of all, you are shaping—or destroying—our image of what fatherhood is.

Yes, you are shaping us. What we will become is in your hands. Don’t you know that? You are literally molding us like clay.

Maybe you wanted us, maybe you didn’t. The fact remains WE ARE HERE.

We are humans, we are alive and we need more from you.

Maybe you relate better to boys. We are not boys. We need more from you. The way you treat our mothers is crucial to us knowing how to develop a loving relationship of our own. When you hurt our mothers in any way, we do not like it. Our mothers have been there, trying to fill in the void you choose to leave every day of our lives. Do you not get that?? You should bend over backward thanking our mothers for picking up your slack.

Most importantly of all, we see our Heavenly Father in the same light we see our earthly fathers. If you ignore us, we then believe God ignores us. If you hurt us, we view God as one who hurts us. If you act like you don’t want to be around us, we believe God must not want to be around us either. You are the link! You hold the key!

There is a song by John Mayer called “Daughters.” Search for it, buy it, and listen to it.

We are very, very delicate creatures.

And we need you.

That is the bottom line.

We are not trying to hurt you or tear you down.

But we are demanding you pay attention to us.

Daddy Daughter Disconnect - 4If you don’t, we will not grow emotionally and that will affect the rest of our lives, our future mates, our future children and all of our relationships forever.

Please spend as much time with us as possible. Quality time.

Tell us we are beautiful.

Tell us we are talented.

Tell us you love us more than you ever imagined possible.

Tell us.
If we don’t hear good things from you about us we will not grow emotionally or spiritually and this will affect us physically. We can’t stress this enough!

We will turn to other sources to make us feel good, whether it is right or wrong.

Then you will be mad at us for turning to those things, but the reality is, if you had really formed close, loving, honest, genuine relationships with us, we wouldn’t have sought those things out.

These boys at least make us feel special. You never did!

Alcohol and drugs at least take our minds off of our depression and anxiety that you brought upon us by ignoring us all these years.

You see, fathers, its really simple.

Just pay attention.

And love us.

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I am not a buffoon. And I don’t need a new tie.

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Fathers Day 2014 - 1Sunday is Father’s Day.  And from this man’s perspective, there is no non-Christian holiday or special day that is more important to our society and to our culture than Father’s Day.  Let me explain.

Pop culture and the entertainment industry serve up a steady diet of the father as the hapless buffoon of the family.  The poor father in the TV show can barely create a string of coherent thoughts.  And he is constantly overwhelmed with the affairs of the family.  He doesn’t understand his wife.  He can’t stand his kids.  And so he either explodes emotionally or he retreats to the easy chair with a beer in his hand to watch TV while the family swirls around him and mocks his behavior.

This is not me.  I don’t act like that.  I never have.  Have you?

Yet the popular image and the prevailing picture of Dad is the sitcom version.  If you believe the sitcom message, most families would be better off if Dad weren’t even there.  Yet how far from the truth that thought is in reality.

Fathers Day 2014 - 3The foundation of our society is the family.  And the foundation of our family is the father.  Stay with me now.  This is not a “Fathers are more important to the family than mothers” kind of article.  In fact,

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Wanted: Full-Time Fathers

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Wanted Full-Time Fathers - 1Early this week I was able to reflect on the impact of a Godly mother on children and on their development into adulthood and hopefully she is impacting them to become leaders who are molders of the culture and not simply being squeezed into the mold (culture) that society holds out for us.  That is a long sentence.  But it is necessary because it sets up my thoughts as we begin now to look toward Father’s Day in just a few weeks.

I have this picture in my mind of men who are out of work during the Great Depression who are holding signs saying “Job Wanted”.  Those must have been terrible times.  To want something so bad, to need something so bad, and yet not be able to get it must be damaging to the soul.

Wanted Full-Time Fathers - 2And that image makes me think of what must go on inside of the little heads of children who do not have a father.  Or maybe they have a biological father.  But he is not a real father.

I have too many thoughts inside my own head and some of them are so raw that I will not burden you with them today.  But we are approaching Father’s day.  And fathers are wanted.  Fathers are needed more than ever.  And they are as scarce as jobs during the Great Depression.

What are your children thinking when they see you?  Are they looking for a “full-time” father?  Are you content to be just a “part-time” one?

Photo credit: austinevan / Foter / (CC BY 2.0)
Photo credit: Don Hankins / Foter / (CC BY 2.0)
Photo credit: State Library of New South Wales collection / Foter / No known copyright restrictions

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A Leadership Formula

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A Leadership Formula - 2I often wonder what makes a good leader. I think back to some of the leaders I have experienced in my life and try to remember what they had in common. What I remember is, externally they were all different, there was a teacher, there was a coach, there was a boss, and there were a couple of commanding officers. However internally, or spiritually, I think they were very much alike.

I realized much later in life that someone would have to really want to teach or coach, and really love it, because there was no one getting rich from teaching or coaching on the local level. Secondly there was a boss at my first job, he really helped set the work ethic and began laying the ground work for how a leader should treat their team members, and was a great example of how to treat others. Lastly there were some officers in charge while I was in the military. These men taught me about a chain of command, and respect, and how important being a member of a team really was.A Leadership Formula - 3

So what is the formula that makes these people great leaders? I think they all shared some similar spiritual traits, if you will. Consider these:

  • They wanted to lead
  • They had the ability to lead
  • They felt a need to lead
  • They just had to lead

So I would like to discuss each of these things briefly to see the “make up” of a leader.

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The Blindness of Showing Up

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Courtesy NBC Studios. All Rights Reserved.

Recently, I began watching a new Sitcom called Growing Up Fisher. The show is told from the view of a middle school boy whose father happens to be blind. You find yourself rooting for the Father as he struggles to manage a law firm, a recent divorce, two children, and a new seeing eye dog named Elvis. Sounds bleak but it isn’t for many reasons. The show is worth watching. It is rare to find a kind-hearted show on the tube these days.

The show reminded me of a father who attended every one of his son’s Little League baseball games. He never missed one game during that season. Not a big deal eh? What made it unique is that the Father is blind.

Yes. He couldn’t drive to the game or gripe about traffic or complain about parking too far from the field. He was blind! He couldn’t watch his son play. But he was present and in attendance supporting his son every game.

Walter would sit in the stands with his walking stick and watch his son play baseball. (How he got there…I haven’t a clue.) He may have been physically blind but he wasn’t blind to the needs of his child and the importance of showing up.

What blinds you to the needs of your family? What keeps you from showing up?

 

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Lessons From A Jewish Father

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Lessons from a Jewish Father - 1A little Jewish teaching today is what is in store for you today on Fatherhood Friday.

I was recently reminded of the commands given to fathers from the Talmud. What is the Talmud? Well, literally, the Hebrew word is translated as “Study”. The Talmud is the central text that comprises the ceremonial law and the oral teachings that were used as part of the education of every Jewish male. And it had much to say.

What words does it have for us today? I think we would do well to be reminded of what Jewish fathers were commanded to do regarding their male children. A father was commanded to do these three things:

  1. Circumcise his son. (I won’t be dealing with that particular one today, or probably any day in the foreseeable future.)
  2. Teach him the Law.
  3. Teach him a trade.

It is my intention today to remind us fathers that we have some important tasks. In fact, they are Biblical commands.

Lessons from a Jewish Father - 2Teach him the Law – And this has never been more necessary. Dads, it is your job to instill in your sons a sense of right and wrong. It is your job to teach them about justice and truth and eternal values. It is your job to model for them the fact that you lead an upright and circumspect life.

Along with the Law, I would also encourage you to teach them a sense of honor and respect for their mother and their sisters if they are fortunate enough to have them. This will give them a set pattern of respect for women that will serve him well and help ensure that your heart as a father is not broken later by the actions that your son takes as an adult.

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Leadership Lessons from Fatherhood

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Leadership Lessons from Fatherhood - 1If you ask many leaders who the greatest influence on their life has been they will often tell you that it has been John Maxwell, Jack Welch, Tom Peters, Ronald Reagan, Gen. Patton, Atilla the Hun, or some other famous or infamous individual. And those are not bad or wrong answers.

If you ask me, I will tell you that it is my two children.

Leadership Lessons from Fatherhood - 2Fatherhood has been an educational journey that no institution of higher learning could provide. Its principles were not learned in a Harvard MBA program. These leadership lessons were learned at the dinner table every night. My children are both grown. And although they may think that I am offering them words of wisdom, I am in fact still enrolled in a life-long learning program and they are instruments of learning.

To be clear, I do not see myself as the great expert on fatherhood. I have made errors in judgment and I have made some erroneous decisions. But, I don’t think I have made too many selfish decisions. But when I did, I hope I was transparent with them and that I sought their forgiveness. And I hope that I was honest in my self-assessment, especially with the weaknesses and faults that I have.

I am clear about a few more things. For another, I have never seen such sacrificial and unconditional love flow from one human to another as I have seen flow from

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The School Assignment: What makes me…ME!

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I still have the privilege of helping my boys with their homework assignments.  I get the privilege of peeking under the hood peek at the heart and discover what men God is allowing them to become.  The school assignment this week in Communication was a speech about themselves.  My oldest decided to mix his unapologetic humor to a interesting perspective about himself that would make any parent proud.  I thought I would share it with you.

I was born in 1997 at midnight to my mother’s discomfort.  When I first came out I was unable to breath because my cord was wrapped around my neck.  Well life for me started as a fight.  At an early age I was a barbaric gentleman.  My dad and my grandfather were always hard on me to be respectful, polite, and to do things to the full glory of God given my abilities.  My dad taught me to fear God and him. 

My brother and I were home schooled for the majority of grade school by my loving mother who taught me the meaning of respect through the belt.  Unlike my brother I went to public school my first few years of school.  All my friends were Hispanic and Black: I found them easier to get along with than the white kids.  At home, my brother and I would play outside for hours; we never wore shirts or shoes we believed that was for wimps.  To this day I still have very little feeling in the bottom of my feet due to the hot concrete on my feet.  When I was five I received a puppy, it was my responsibility to take care of her; that was the first time I ever had to care for someone other than myself. 

Playing outside I broke my arm doing a wheelie on my bike I was very little and my brother locked me out of the house.  Pain grew me that day, because of that first break I’ve never cried again when I broke other bones in my body.  Also I came to love the Simpsons, Sponge Bob, Dragon Ball Z, and Ed, Edd, and Eddy since all I did was watch T.V.  My father with the combinations of those shows gave me a great sense of humor.  My father also knew I wanted to be a soldier so he put me in MMA and Scouts around age 12.  I got in trouble in Scouts one day for getting in a fight with a little punk.  My dad told me one of the important things I remember “Don’t start fights just to make sure you finish them” .  That along with the punishment from my MMA Instructor taught me to control myself.  Later the same kid and his friend would ambush my brother and me when I had my broken wrist.  My little brother who was 9 at the time protected me from three different kids.  This is first time I began to appreciate my brother. We finished that fight.

My brother and I are still in Scouts today.  Boy Scouts has taught me time management, communications skills, and how to survive.  It has molded me into a leader.  I’ve missed Homecoming Events every year for Scouts.  I’ve missed many fun events with my friends from school because I was climbing mountains, riding horses, licking something by the side of road, jumping off dams, canoeing up stream, fishing, burning other Scout’s things, doing back flips off mountains, running from bears, eating wild hog, shooting shotguns, falling in mud, hiking 125 miles uphill then hiking another 100 downhill just to say I did it.  And to this day I will never regret this ever.  That’s what makes me. Me!

 

 

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Where have all the good (young) men gone?

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Where have all the good men gone - 1

– Herman Melville, Moby Dick

I have had a few instances in the past few weeks where I have had to think to myself, what would your father think about that? Not only your earthly father but your heavenly father as well. Sometimes I get the idea that some young men (not all) don’t think they will ever have to be accountable for their actions. Back to that in a minute…..

First of all I want to thank a few of you fathers out there that are raising God fearing young men. I think it will save me a lot of time with a shovel, when my girls start to date. I ask you though, where did you learn the lessons you are sharing with your sons? I bet it was your father and grandfather. I am confident my parents would still be married today if my father was still alive, and I watched my grandfather sit beside my grandmother’s hospital bed as leukemia took her.

Where have all the good men gone - 2Please don’t get me wrong, I am not the perfect father, Lord knows, I ask for help. But sometimes I see or hear of something some young man has done or said, and my first thought is not, What would Jesus Christ think…..It is what does your father think? Is no one accountable anymore? Are we a soft enough society that a village no longer raises a child? I am pretty sure all of my neighbors had “Beat on sight when necessary” instructions for me when I was a kid.

We spend a lot of time on this blog discussing leadership, and I have come to think as leaders we are responsible to not only each other, but those without a good example. I said to someone, “…that really isn’t any of my business…” and their response to me was “Why isn’t it?” It has taken me all week to figure out that, maybe I should make it my business. Maybe we should all start making a few more injustices our business.

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Manday: A Husband and Father’s Take on the Ranger Creed.

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I was never a Ranger but many of my friends are.  I have always admired their Creed and see it as one of the most motivational things I’ve ever read.

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Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession, I will always endeavor to uphold the prestige, honor, and high esprit de corps of my Ranger Regiment

Recognizing that I volunteered as a Husband and Father, fully knowing the difficulties of staying happily married and raising good children in the modern world, I will always endeavor to uphold the Honor, Happiness, Faithfulness and Fidelity of my family unit.

Acknowledging the fact that a Ranger is a more elite soldier who arrives at the cutting edge of battle by land, sea, or air, I accept the fact that as a Ranger my country expects me to move further, faster and fight harder than any other soldier.

Acknowledging the fact that a Husband and Father is an all encompassing and life changing job, I accept and relish the fact that my family expects me to work harder and be better that other Husbands and Fathers around me.

Never shall I fail my comrades. I will always keep myself mentally alert, physically strong and morally straight and I will shoulder more than my share of the task whatever it may be, one-hundred-percent and then some.

Never shall I fail my wife or children. I will always keep myself mentally alert, physically strong and morally straight and I will shoulder more than my share of the task whatever it may be, one-hundred percent and then some.

Gallantly will I show the world that I am a specially selected and well-trained soldier. My courtesy to superior officers, neatness of dress and care of equipment shall set the example for others to follow.

Gallantly will I show the world that I am a special kind of Husband and Father. My love and faithfulness to my wife and my love and caring for my growing children shall set the example for others to follow.

Energetically will I meet the enemies of my country. I shall defeat them on the field of battle for I am better trained and will fight with all my might. Surrender is not a Ranger word. I will never leave a fallen comrade to fall into the hands of the enemy and under no circumstances will I ever embarrass my country.

Energetically will I meet the challenges and pitfalls of being a Husband and Father. I will overcome any challenge for I am a better and more motivated Husband and Father and will try with all my might. Breaking my sacred Oath is not an option. I will never leave my Wife or Children behind and will in no circumstances will I ever embarrass my Wife or my Family.

Readily will I display the intestinal fortitude required to fight on to the Ranger objective and complete the mission though I be the lone survivor.

Readily will I display the intestinal fortitude required to continue on according to God’s plan and complete my mission of taking care of my wife and raising good capable children no matter the circumstances placed upon me.

Rangers Lead The Way!!!