Category Archives: Men

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REPOST: Accountability: Two Men on a Roof

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Don Munton is the Singles Minister at Houston’s First Baptist Church. He is a mentor-pastor-friend of mine. Don shares an amazing story with the young single men under his leadership about accountability. He would always preface the story by telling them that a man alone is a man in the danger zone. (Insert images of Maverick and Goose slicing through the skies in an F14.)

Don would tell the story of two men on a roof from two opposite sides of the Bible. In 2 Samuel, we are told the first man was a king. He should have been taking care of kingly duties, like waging a war from the front lines, but instead he was on his roof overlooking his kingdom. Lo and behold, he spots a beautiful woman bathing on her rooftop and he can’t control himself. (In today’s terms, he was browsing the web and stumbled onto a site he could not resist.) He orders the woman to his bed and takes her. (He takes an ad out on Craig’s List and she responds.) Because of this man’s lack of accountability and pride, a husband is murdered, a child dies, a scandal ensues, and a kingdom is almost forfeit.

Fast forward to Mark Chapter 2, we see a paralyzed man being carried by four men to Jesus to be healed. Unfortunately, the crowds around Jesus don’t allow the men to get to the front door. So they carry their paralyzed friend to the roof of the house and begin tearing open the roof to lower their friend to Jesus. (Imagine being in the house and bits and pieces of the ceiling begin falling on you and then a man is lowered on a cot down towards your honored guest. You look up and think-Someone is paying for that.) Jesus heals the man. Now that man could not have gotten to Jesus without the help of his four friends. He could not have gotten on the roof without their aid.

Now look at the two men. One man was alone…a king…an island onto himself…somewhere he should not have been. And he failed. A momentary lapse in judgment. Where was his support group? Where were the men that would tell him that he needed to be at war and not at home alone on a rooftop?

The paralyzed man is helpless. He was not alone. No delusions of self-sufficiency. The man couldn’t care for himself without the help of others. He gets healed. But let’s look at the faith of his friends. The four men had to carry their buddy through the crowd. They probably had to carry him several blocks out of the way to get to Jesus, climb to a roof, traverse several rooftops, and then tear away a roof knowing Jesus would heal their friend. At any point, the crippled man may have said: “Stop! It’s too much trouble. I’m fine.” I have carried a grown man on a cot over three miles. It is not an easy task. But the men persevered; they may have even encouraged each other. What an amazing story of friendship and accountability.

Now I don’t have to tell you all the ways men can get into trouble today. We have enough talking heads telling us how bad we men are. So I won’t laundry list you into submission and guilt. You know the list and the proclivities we as men are inclined towards. So that is why it is so important to have life-minded men in your life to keep you accountable and tell you what you need to hear when you stray and encourage you when you stay true.

Do you have any friend who would carry you toward the Savior when you need Him the most?

Do you have a group of men who struggle and endure with you in your good and bad times?

Or would they allow you to be alone and handle it on your own? Could you be a friend like that to someone?

Find those men. Your life depends on it.

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Leaders Lead – Fathers Must Also

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Leaders Lead - Fathers Must Also - 1Real leaders understand the danger of inaction – either through intention or just through neglect.

Consider this: Public monuments are never set up to honor someone who merely intended to do something.  They don’t often build monuments to honor those who started a quest, but never finished it.

Leaders act. Though they spend time in study and planning, they mostly act. For leaders, study and planning are a ramp-up for action, not a substitute for it.

Fathers must act as well. As fathers we must lead with action. And now is the time for action. Not tomorrow. Not this week-end. Not after I have had some “Me Time”. Now is the time to act and do. Now is the time to redouble your efforts to be the kind of father that your children’s mother envisioned you to be when she married you.

Moreover, real leaders never let indecision lead to inaction. When confronted with several tough choices of action, they do not shrink back. They brace themselves, consult with their wife and together choose what they judge as the best way forward, and then set to work as best they can to achieve that goal.

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Manday: I’m a Good Dad!

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Every father should read the lyrics to or listen to Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin before they put their kids to bed every night. In other words, no one ever sat on their Deathbed and said I wish I had drank more or I wish I had watched more TV.

I’m a good dad! At its base, I know I’m a good Dad. Other people tell me I’m a good Dad.  One of the best compliments I’ve ever received was from a divorced/ single parent friend who said “I’m a good dad but I try to raise my game to your level every time I have my son.” That got me thinking how lucky I am. I have an occupation that allows me to be home at night. I leave for work between 0430 and 0630 every morning so my kids will be lacking any memories of breakfast with Dad but overall, I am involved in their lives and around a lot. So basically I know I’m a good Dad….but when I listen to Cats in the Cradle, I want to cry. When I read The Giving Tree, I want to hang myself. It’s so SAD!

I first heard Cats in the Cradle when I was a kid. When I was serving in the military in the Middle East, my rack mate, was a young man from Georgia who had a thing for this song! He would listen to it all the time! And if he listened to it while drinking he would become down right belligerent. His father was a much decorated major in the U.S. Army and was wounded several times as a member of a very elite unit. He was all a man could want and achieve in a military career or the kind of man a young boy would look up to in absolute awe but their relationship followed Chapin’s song very closely.

When I look at my relationship with my own father, the pattern is evident although less pronounced than my friends. In this rambling account, all I strive to say is BE a better father! Be more present! Be a real man! Be a warrior! Be a sheep dog that takes on any challenge with gusto! I’ve certainly come home after 12 and 15 hour days and wanted nothing more than a cold beer and a good TV show, but it’s not about you.

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I’m a good dad but I’ve become better! I’ve faced challenges with my health that has included several hospital stays! My most recent setback 13 months ago was an epiphany for me.  I had tubes running up my nose and down my throat. As I spent three listless days lying in that bed, I vowed that I would never say no to my kids again. I thought to myself that at that moment, I would give anything to be hugging my son and daughter, to be playing ball with my son or braiding my daughters hair (a real man, an accomplished man, a self taught man goes on YouTube and finds hair braiding videos and learns).

I’m a great Dad. I’ve been told I am. But I thought about the countless times I had told or yelled at my son to go in the other room. Daddy’s watching TV or the game or daddy’s tired or any other weak excuse! Certainly, many of those are true! I was watching the game or I was eating my dinner but if God grants me twenty more years on this earth and I see my son grow into a man! What’s going to be more important! That game of catch or wrestling on the bed or reading the book or my memories of watching Matt Schaub throw his latest interception? We all know the answer.

It’s not easy to say yes every time but I have come up with my own rules for it with the long term goal of passing on good values and raising my children well but it works…it’s a real challenge and there are gut checks someday but a real man and a real father takes on a challenge head on.

My simple solution is that I have breakfast with my children once a week.  I take them to ice cream once a week.  I have a super fantastic Daddy Funday once a week so Momma can have some time to her self (happy wives that have been recharged hanging out with their friends come back to bed recharged as well gentlemen).  I wrestle with my kids for five minutes on the bed every night they want. They understand and I set my iPhone timer for five minutes and we go all out. Timer goes off and they go in the other room…but five minutes a night is a reasonable amount of time and the good memories.

I try my hardest, and this has been the hardest to keep, I spend 20 minutes a day of 100% undivided attention with everyone I love solely focused on them. I spend 20 minutes with my son doing whatever he wishes to do…play, eat, read, wrestle, talk about dinosaurs etc.  I spend 20 mins with my daughter and we usually end up watching My Little Pony or doing something surrounding My Little Pony. If Harvard’s application process solely covered My Little Pony, my daughter would be an early Admission and graduate Summa cum laude.

And then finally most importantly and the intro to the second part of my post, I spend 20 minutes focused solely on my wife, the mother of my children doing whatever she wants to do. I usually rub her feet and listen to her day and it has become a very important bonding portion of our day. Some days, it’s the only time we spend alone together. But one of the greatest gifts I give to my children is–to honor their mother. Then Harry Chapin comes on again!

Remember your children! Especially your sons. They are going to grow up exactly like you someday! Who do you want them to be?

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What Qualities of Manliness Stand the Test of Time?

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What Qualities of Manliness - 1Cosmopolitan Magazine began its publishing life as a quality family oriented magazine. Unfortunately it has evolved into a “Grocery Store Checkout” magazine that is chock full of what celebrity is being physically altered and what is their favorite food or sexual activity. None of which I am particularly interested in.

However, in August of 1902, a man by the name of Rafford Pyke wrote an article entitled, “What Men Like in Men.” In 1902 you could title an article that way and no one would laugh or even consider the double entendre that it would surely produce if it appeared today. Especially in a magazine like Cosmopolitan has evolved into. Don’t Google Rafford Pyke unless you are looking for the depressing story of his life, the realization that he himself did not act in an honorable manner, and the discovery that Pyke was not even his real name.

Consider what Pyke says: “If you were to ask the average man to tell you offhand just what qualities he likes in other men, he would probably boggle a good deal over his answer. His first impulse would be to say, “Oh, I don’t know!” which is with men a convenient formula for avoiding thought upon unexpected or (to them) uninteresting topics. A little later, after turning the matter over in his mind, he would give you a catalogue of qualities to which he would be willing to swear. His list, however, would bear a strong resemblance to the “hundred-best-book” lists made my persons who sincerely believe that they are expressing their own literary preferences, but who are actually indulging in a bit of intellectual pose. Just as these individuals mention the books which they feel they ought to enjoy reading rather than those which they really read, so the average man will name a number of qualities which he thinks he likes, rather than those which in his heart of hearts he actually does like.”

What Qualities of Manliness - 2It was much easier for Pyke to determine what men disliked in other men. And the character or quality that they disliked was that of being or acting like

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Accountability: The Single Man and Self Control

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Many conversations of accountability focus strongly on the married man.   Unfortunately, the profile on which we build our foundation comes from the perspective of an established family man.  I have done many single men a disservice by not providing them a foundation on which to stand.  Hopefully, I can provide a challenge to the single man with a perspective for single-minded accountability.

Every man needs accountability.  When I say every man…that includes single men.  I personally believe single men need it now more than ever.  I observe young single men who believe they know it all and say some of the stupidest things in mixed company.  They treat their women as buddies instead of delicate flowers.  Augh!   This is something I never understood.  My Father raised me differently.  I never spoke ill of the opposite sex.  I always treated women with respect and honor.  So Single men…if you will listen up I am going to tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear.

So who am I accountable to?  First and foremost, you are accountable to the ultimate power in the universe.  God.  The Creator of the universe.  Nothing has changed here…same message.  He brought you into this world…He can take you out.

You are in-experienced, immature, and, candidly, horny.  You are not entitled to damage single women because you can’t control yourself with her or with porn.

Second, if you are single,  you are accountable to self-control and your future spouse.  This is key.  You are not married.  You need to practice self-control.  As a young single male…you are already behind the curve.  How?  You are in-experienced, immature, and, candidly, horny.  You are not entitled to damage single women because you are unwilling to or won’t control yourself with her or with porn.  If you are in a relationship, you treat that woman with respect and honor.  You don’t criticize her beautiful looks and you don’t embarrass her in public by announcing her flaws and shortcomings.  Grow up, man.  Scratching, spitting, cursing, belching, farting, and fist bumping are all guy things and she is not expecting that from you.   Control your tongue, don’t curse in front of her and don’t share crude jokes in her presence.  She does not desire that from you.  She is looking for a strong man, a future husband, and future father who chooses his words thoughtfully.  She needs the reassurance you can nurture a child she gives you when you and her become one.

Your lack of commitment is cowardice.  Plain and simple.  And she is foolish to stay with you in hopes you will grow a pair and commit.  But this is on you.  Not her.  Your actions are dictating the relationship and you should be ashamed.  Let’s table that for another day…

Third, practice what I preach.  Find a group of men.  I have been accountable to a group of three men for over 13 years.  I call them my 300. I am 100% invested in their lives and they in mine.  Thus 300!  These men have my back and I have theirs.

As a young single man, you need to find a group of men and meet.  I recommend they be your peers and be somewhat in your same season of life, age, and like-minded interests.   Find men that make you a better man.  Don’t hang out with men that wake up naked with women they don’t know.  Because you will learn to compromise yourself in every aspect of your life and sadly laugh it off.

Find a Grey Haired.  You need to find a grey haired man to mentor you.  As a young man, you may not rely so much on your parents’ advise.  Truth is at your age the hardest thing is to admit that your parents are right about the years of unwanted advice they bestowed upon you.  So what most young men do is not ask for advice from their parents.  Find a Grey Hair and ask them for advice.  Then practice what they preach.  You see they have navigated the foxholes in the battlefield of life…and they can show the path of least resistance.

Listen, I have less hair than you and what remains is grey…your job is to shut up, listen, and thank me for looking out for your sorry butt. 

Most importantly, be COACH-able.  Nothing irks me more, when I provide simple advice to a young colleague on the ways of the world. Instead of a thoughtful pause of reflection, I get a “I know it all” rebuttal.  Or the young buck gets offended because his ego can’t take criticism.  Really? Listen, I have less hair than you and what remains is grey…your job is to shut up, listen, and thank me for looking out for your sorry butt.  I took the time to notice a flaw, an imperfection, a chink in your armor that can be corrected. Then I man’d up and brought it to your attention.  At least, consider it.   But don’t dismiss it.

For the most part, the young single men I have the privilege to ride with on patrol are amazing.  I am surrounded by sensible young men with a regard to better themselves everyday.  I am part of a brotherhood.  These men I would take a bullet for.

To the single man, be strong and self controlled.  You got this!

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Tipping Back from the Tipping Point

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Tipping Back from the Tipping Point - 1The blog has taken a bit of a political turn in the last few days. We are sorry if that offends you. Our intent is not to be political in nature. But, when there is a crisis in leadership, it invariably turns a little political at times. When the truth is both colors, “Red” and “Blue”, have gotten us into this mess.  —  OK, enough of that.

My focus today is really on the root cause of some of the break down in leadership that we are currently experiencing. I began to trace the problem back to the root as I was conversing with someone today. My point to him was that what we are experiencing today is not the result of something that happened today. It is the result of what happened yesterday and many thousand yesterdays ago.

Tipping Back from the Tipping Point - 2I believe that our Nation is clearly at an inflection point. And it has gotten that way because our society and our culture tipped past the inflection point years ago. Prior to that, our churches tipped past that inflection point many years ago. And prior to that, our homes tipped past that point of inflection. Therefore, I choose to go back to the fundamental unit of society which is the family and try to rebuild it from the family unit perspective first and foremost.

And I call upon you men and you fathers to begin to lift the long lever in your family that will begin to tip in the other direction. If we do that, we will tip that one family back the other way. That family will seek other families of similar inclination and encourage them to be strong. I believe that they will seek God and His help and that we will see a resurgence of men in the church and the church will tip back to the direction that it rightly needs to be. And society and culture will follow because there is beginning to be a preponderance of men and families who are now viewing the world through different filters. And if all of this happens over time then the politics will take care of themselves — both Red and Blue!

So what is the Fatherhood Principle today?

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Manday Quote: Ben Franklin

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Here is my Creed. I believe in one God, the Creator of the Universe.  That He governs it by His providence. That He ought to be worshiped. That the most acceptable service we render to Him is in doing good to His other children.  That the soul of man is immortal, and will be treated with Justice in another life respecting its conduct in this.  These I take to be fundamental points in all sound religion, and I regard them as you do in whatever sect I meet with them.  As to Jesus of Nazareth, my opinion of whom you particularly desire, I think the system of morals and his religion, as he left them to us, is the best the world ever saw, or is likely to see.

Benjamin Franklin, March 9, 1790

Do you have a creed?

 

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**REPOST** Accountability: Like-Minded versus Life-Minded

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**Originally posted February 11, 2013**

As humans, we have a tendency to gravitate toward like-minded individuals and passions. Our society dictates this model through political correctness, polling, media, rugged individualism, and Climate Change. (Okay…not so much Climate Change but you catch my drift.) The danger is we subscribe to it like sheep in relationships and because we are like-minded we are easily deceived and we believe that everything is okay in our little like-minded world. So we scratch our heads wondering when the wheels fell off the wagon. But why do we subscribe to it? Why do we dismiss a need for true meaningful accountability?

The first reason-It is comfortable. As you meet with friends, you will find that you look the same. You have the same likes, desires, and dislikes. You worship the same. You agree on the same political platforms. You may even like the same football teams. You may even hate the same football teams. You may even subscribe to society’s idea of success-The big house in the gated community, 3.2 kids, the latest cell phone, newest car, and financial portfolio. While there is nothing wrong with these things. The danger is when men view their affluence as a form of holiness. So we look at the cover of the book and judge everything is cool.

After all, you and your buddy didn’t vote for that guy. Things will turn out. We will just keep listening to talk radio and complain all the time. Yes. It’s a shame his wife resents him for not being employed and hanging out with you. But things will work out when the economy turns. There is comfort in being like-minded.

The second reason-It is easy. Like-mindedness can be void of challenge. The conversations are easy and shallow. They are just on the surface. The prayer requests are simple. The dirt really never hits the fan and when topics get heavy you can reel in that hook before you get too deep and get a bite. Lord forbid you actually talk about anything with real substance. You wouldn’t want to challenge your buddy’s weekly golf appointment because he appears to have it all while his family crumbles.

After all, your buddy is like you. Self-made man and any issues that arise, you can handle. You don’t need this accountability stuff. You show up to church on Sundays and give. Your kids are fine and you definitely don’t want to challenge your wife’s secret daily Starbucks habit as long as you keep your habits a secret. At least that’s what the new cute secretary tells you. You have a good job. God must be blessing you.

So we bumble through life thinking everything is okay and we maintain shallow relationships. It is dangerous.

As I continue to strive and seek accountability in my relationships, I have noticed a need for discomfort and difficulty when engaging certain groups. Tension is good. I need to be told what I need to hear not what I want to hear. I don’t need relationships where men will justify my mistakes, rationalize my failures, and encourage my proclivities. I need men in my life committed to life transformation through Christ who will tell me unapologetically that I am not the man God wants me to be. I need friends who will call me out and cry “bull” and tell me to shape-up, clean-up, and Man-Up.

In my accountability relationships, I have the license to ask the tough questions to seek answers to the dark off-limits of manhood. And I allow those tough questions to be posed towards me. Because, ultimately the goal is not just be a good man today…but to be a great man everyday for years to come. It is long process. It is a life long process.

In a recent group discussion, I challenged over thirty like-minded men that their lives depend on life-minded accountability. Let me repeat that. Your life depends on accountability. (I’m not a gambling man…but I bet there were 30 different reactions to that statement.) If you continue to maintain surface like-minded relationships you will survive but you won’t live. You will fake it at work, at church, at home and you will achieve an emptiness that our society calls success.

Conversely, if you seek life-minded relationships, you strike at the core issues of life and you will begin to live. My challenge to you. Every man needs accountability. Your life depends on it. Seek men who are life-minded and committed to life-transformation through Christ.

Today.

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Happy, Happy, Happy

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I recently discovered a show that many know about — Duck Dynasty.

When I first heard about the show, I thought it was a Daffy Duck cartoon.  I admit watching the show makes me “Happy, Happy, Happy”.  “Hey!” It’s good entertainment.

I grew up watching re-runs of the Andy Griffith Show, Leave it to Beaver, and I Love Lucy.  Those shows were reminders of a more innocent time. The shows were wholesome.  I miss those shows.  (Of course, with on-demand television, you can re-visit those shows anytime.)  Those shows as dated as they are now…reminded us of the basics:  Family, Faith, and dare I say Fathers.

For those of you, who don’t know.  Duck Dynasty is a “reality tv show” that follows a Louisiana family called the Robertsons.  The Robertson family are basically the Clampetts of Duck Calls.  They made a fortune creating, selling, and merchandising their Duck Commander duck calls.  The show follows the CEO, his wise father, and the antics of his Redneck Brothers and crazy Uncle SI.

The family trudges through the daily grinds of life like sibling rivalry, teaching their oldest daughter to drive, dating, homecoming dress codes, Career day at school, being arrested while frog hunting, yuppie wives and yuppie children all while dealing with their pop-culture educated crazy uncle Si.   The show is reminiscent of the innocence of Mayberry and slapstick of Lucy crushing grapes into wine with her feet in the Italian country side.

Every show ends with the family gathered around a meal (recently hunted) and a grateful prayer to the Lord above for their blessing.

Now…portions if not all of the show are staged.  No doubt the Robertson clan are shrewd business men portrayed as bumbling idiots who love to be boys.  My good friends remind me of the Robertson clan.  Allen is Will.  Ken is Jase.  Mark is Martin.  And that would make me…Si.

Today if you lament about the lack of good clean television programming.  May I suggest Duck Dynasty to you.  It will make you Happy, Happy, Happy.

 

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Manday: Hemingway Quote

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Our own Billy wrote an amazing article based on Col Grossman’s evaluation of the three types of people. Billy’s Sheepdog article is one of the most popular articles at Leadership Voices.  I am a Police Officer.  I consider myself a Sheepdog. I hunt things that go bump in the night.  While you sleep, we, sheepdogs, own the night.

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. -Ernest Hemingway

Recently, I ran across the Hemingway quote emblazoned on the back of a t-shirt designed for Law Enforcement personnel.   The shirt is produced by Certified Wolf Hunter.  I thought I would share it with the leadership blogoshpere.

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Billy and I had a discussion about this…with our leader Kevin stirring it up.

So are you a Sheepdog…or a Wolf Hunter?