Is a Step-Dad, Less of a Dad?

Is a step-dad less of a dad - 1First of all let me say, I am not looking for any self-glory or attention. It’s just that this time of year make me think of how much more Christmas makes me think about family, so I begin to think about mine and how it came to be.

Yes I am a step-father. I was a step-father before I was a father, and I look back on that time in my life and it reminds me of a great man of God. His name is Joseph. I don’t claim to be like Joseph, or worthy of being Jesus’s step-father, however, I can possibly relate to some of his struggles, with attempting to raise another’s child.

Jesus’ dad or rather step-dad. Yes, you read right, step-dad. I don’t’ think people really ever think of Joseph in this way. Joseph knew all along that Jesus was not his real son. Yet, he loved him and raised him as if he was.

Is a step-dad less of a dad - 2We all know the story. Joseph was betrothed to Mary, mother of Jesus. He found out that she was pregnant. Now we all know he could have divorced her, in fact he had intended to, but quietly. In those times Mary could have even been sued, stoned or put in prison and Joseph would have been in the right.

However, an angel of the Lord visited Joseph in a dream and told him not to leave Mary. For she was not unfaithful to him but was in fact, pregnant by the Holy Spirit with God’s child. Well, this changed everything.

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Leading Them to the Manger

Leading Them to the Manger - 1This will be my last chance to speak to the fathers before Christmas day rolls around. And I want to continue the theme of my article last year at Christmas. My admonition to the fathers out there last year on Christmas Day was to “Let’s lead our families and loved ones to the manger today.”

It seems that Christmas has become the domain of the “Moms” out there. They do most of the shopping and certainly most of the wrapping. Be honest guys, how many presents have you wrapped this year?

And that is all well and good. Perhaps in your family, like in mine, the wife and mother have more time to accomplish many of the tasks associated with the gifting of Christmas. Frankly, many of them enjoy it. But, probably they do not enjoy it like we think they do in the hustle and bustle of the last few days before Christmas. But they get it all done like the wonder women that they are.

So, what is the point for Fatherhood Friday on this last Friday before Christmas?

It is to remind you husbands and fathers out there of your sacred duty to lead your family to the manger on a daily basis. I know that Christmas will be over as quickly as it came upon us. But we must keep the beauty and the simplicity of the manger ever before us. And it is our jobs as the leaders in our homes to lead our families in slowing down, pausing to reflect, sharing the gift of love, and spending time around the manger where we can look into the face of the Newborn King.

Dads – Don’t send your wife and children to the manger this Sunday while you recline in front of the big screen TV and watch yet another football game. Get up, get off the couch and lead your family in some form of worship and praise of the greatest gift ever given – the Babe lying in the manger. The one came to lead us out of darkness and into eternal light.

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Charge Ahead or Leave It Alone

Charge Ahead or Leave It Alone - 1Question: How do we determine when we are to charge ahead as leaders or leave it alone and deal with it another day?

We have all been taught in elementary school that we should not put off a kindness until tomorrow that we can do today.  But what about a tough leadership decision?  Is there ever a situation where we would want to put that off for another time down the road?

Charge Ahead or Leave It Alone - 2When is it right to charge ahead and take the bull by the horns and lead in the midst of a difficult situation?  And when is it right to stand back and leave the issue alone and take a more relaxed and non-confrontational approach?  These are legitimate questions that I put before our audience of leaders and readers.  What are your thoughts?  And how did you make the determination regarding the approach that you would take?  Did you ever consider that taking the relaxed approach was a sign of weakness or indecision?  Did it make the situation better or worse by your decision?

I am facing several interesting and difficult leadership challenges right now and I am seeking advice on how to approach these decisions and on the relative merits of each approach.  I hope that you are gaining valuable insights from our many leaders and readers and I hope that you will share some of your own insights with us.

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REPOST: Accountability: Two Men on a Roof

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Don Munton is the Singles Minister at Houston’s First Baptist Church. He is a mentor-pastor-friend of mine. Don shares an amazing story with the young single men under his leadership about accountability. He would always preface the story by telling them that a man alone is a man in the danger zone. (Insert images of Maverick and Goose slicing through the skies in an F14.)

Don would tell the story of two men on a roof from two opposite sides of the Bible. In 2 Samuel, we are told the first man was a king. He should have been taking care of kingly duties, like waging a war from the front lines, but instead he was on his roof overlooking his kingdom. Lo and behold, he spots a beautiful woman bathing on her rooftop and he can’t control himself. (In today’s terms, he was browsing the web and stumbled onto a site he could not resist.) He orders the woman to his bed and takes her. (He takes an ad out on Craig’s List and she responds.) Because of this man’s lack of accountability and pride, a husband is murdered, a child dies, a scandal ensues, and a kingdom is almost forfeit.

Fast forward to Mark Chapter 2, we see a paralyzed man being carried by four men to Jesus to be healed. Unfortunately, the crowds around Jesus don’t allow the men to get to the front door. So they carry their paralyzed friend to the roof of the house and begin tearing open the roof to lower their friend to Jesus. (Imagine being in the house and bits and pieces of the ceiling begin falling on you and then a man is lowered on a cot down towards your honored guest. You look up and think-Someone is paying for that.) Jesus heals the man. Now that man could not have gotten to Jesus without the help of his four friends. He could not have gotten on the roof without their aid.

Now look at the two men. One man was alone…a king…an island onto himself…somewhere he should not have been. And he failed. A momentary lapse in judgment. Where was his support group? Where were the men that would tell him that he needed to be at war and not at home alone on a rooftop?

The paralyzed man is helpless. He was not alone. No delusions of self-sufficiency. The man couldn’t care for himself without the help of others. He gets healed. But let’s look at the faith of his friends. The four men had to carry their buddy through the crowd. They probably had to carry him several blocks out of the way to get to Jesus, climb to a roof, traverse several rooftops, and then tear away a roof knowing Jesus would heal their friend. At any point, the crippled man may have said: “Stop! It’s too much trouble. I’m fine.” I have carried a grown man on a cot over three miles. It is not an easy task. But the men persevered; they may have even encouraged each other. What an amazing story of friendship and accountability.

Now I don’t have to tell you all the ways men can get into trouble today. We have enough talking heads telling us how bad we men are. So I won’t laundry list you into submission and guilt. You know the list and the proclivities we as men are inclined towards. So that is why it is so important to have life-minded men in your life to keep you accountable and tell you what you need to hear when you stray and encourage you when you stay true.

Do you have any friend who would carry you toward the Savior when you need Him the most?

Do you have a group of men who struggle and endure with you in your good and bad times?

Or would they allow you to be alone and handle it on your own? Could you be a friend like that to someone?

Find those men. Your life depends on it.

Leaders and the Reset Button

Leaders and the Reset Button - 1I was recently discussing with some colleagues the subject of leadership and the younger generation.  Now, I know that I immediately sound really old when I say “younger generation”.  But the reality of the situation is that those under the age of 30 (and even up to the age of 40) have a different view of the world because of the ubiquity of video games in their formative years.

For those of that generation who are now finding themselves as husbands, fathers, and burgeoning leaders in their jobs or at church many are finding themselves with difficulties in dealing with real life situations and the challenges of being the husband, father and leader that they have perhaps envisioned themselves becoming.  They are discovering that being a leader is a lot harder than it looks.  Being a full-time husband and father is harder than it looks.  Being responsible at work and responsive at home come with a high cost in terms of energy and emotional capital.

But these young leaders grew up playing video games.  And when the game was not turning out the way they wanted it to, or they encountered seemingly unsurmountable odds, they simply reached over to the game console and pushed the “Reset” button and instantly was granted a fresh start and new insights into the pitfalls that were just before the cause of their demise in the video game.  There were no consequences to restarting and they could begin a new and try something different this time.  They could even restart as a completely different character.

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Team Leaders and Judgment

Team Leaders and Judgement - 1Team Leaders – Do we judge ourselves too harshly or not harshly enough?

The art of self-awareness is absolutely key to being a successful leader. Why? Because we always judge ourselves based on our intentions. And others judge us on our behavior.

My leadership experience allowed for some briefing and debriefing, I wonder if there is not some good business and life advice there.

We might think we are being focused, empowering, direct, authoritative, in control and motivational but we might actually be being seen as too controlling, too direct, too “over the top” or even coming across as a bully. But, sometimes these traits are necessary to lead, aren’t they?

Team Leaders and Judgement - 2I think team leaders need to be aware of their strengths and weaknesses and then build a team around themselves to make sure that a particular weakness is overcome by someone with strengths in this area. As a leader you must work with your hand-picked dream team so that you’ve got the whole picture of your objective covered – by the right people.

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Some Thoughts on Hemingway and Hunters

Some Thoughts on Hemingway and Hunters - 1Recently, there has been somewhat of an uproar over police officers embracing a quote from an essay written by Ernest Hemingway. The quote reads, “There is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else thereafter.” Many people seem to be frightened by an us versus them mentality that, without explanation, the quote seems to highlight. It has been said that it gives the appearance that police enjoy killing to those that do not truly understand the sheepdog mentality. Please allow me a few moments to explain it through the eyes of a veteran police officer/sheepdog/wolf hunter.

Although Hemingway was an avid hunter, you’ll note that at no point in the quote does Hemingway use the word killing. In fact, at no point in the essay does Hemingway mention killing a man. The majority of the essay is about fishing, hence the title “On the Blue Water.” The key point that people seem to take issue with is the word “hunt.” Merriam-Webster lists several definitions for the word. Here are a few:

  • to pursue with intent to capture
  • to search out
  • to attempt to find something

Some Thoughts on Hemingway and Hunters - 2In fact, Merriam-Webster uses the following as an example of the proper use of the word, “Police hunted the escaped prisoners through several states.” There are instances that the term is synonymous with killing, but when in modern times has that been the case in law enforcement? Even the media, which is so quick to attack our use of the quote, often reports that law enforcement officers are “hunting” for a suspect? Why then is it so shocking when we acknowledge that we are, in fact, hunting?

I suppose that it is because sometimes we are forced to kill.

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Leaders Lead – Fathers Must Also

Leaders Lead - Fathers Must Also - 1Real leaders understand the danger of inaction – either through intention or just through neglect.

Consider this: Public monuments are never set up to honor someone who merely intended to do something.  They don’t often build monuments to honor those who started a quest, but never finished it.

Leaders act. Though they spend time in study and planning, they mostly act. For leaders, study and planning are a ramp-up for action, not a substitute for it.

Fathers must act as well. As fathers we must lead with action. And now is the time for action. Not tomorrow. Not this week-end. Not after I have had some “Me Time”. Now is the time to act and do. Now is the time to redouble your efforts to be the kind of father that your children’s mother envisioned you to be when she married you.

Moreover, real leaders never let indecision lead to inaction. When confronted with several tough choices of action, they do not shrink back. They brace themselves, consult with their wife and together choose what they judge as the best way forward, and then set to work as best they can to achieve that goal.

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LEAD – an Acrostic

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Everyone needs an acrostic every now and then to help us remember things or get a better grasp of concepts. So, today I present an acrostic to help us understand better how to lead.

LEAD Acrostic - 1L – Learn – Each of us must invest in ourselves in order to learn how to become a better leader. Although many folks are naturally gifted with leadership traits and tendencies, many are not so gifted. So it is imperative that we each develop ways to learn from other recognized leaders in our contemporary culture. And we must cultivate a good historical knowledge of leaders from our past. Read about leaders such as Jack Welch and George Patton. Do not necessarily get distracted by some of their personal or family foibles. But rather focus on the public leadership that they displayed.

LEAD Acrostic - 2E – Earn – Each of us must earn the right to lead. We must lead in the little things first before we can expect to be given great leadership responsibility. You don’t often make it from the mail room to the board room in a week. But, you will earn the right to lead through time and through trial and error. Unfortunately many in the younger generation have never experienced trial and error. They have grown up in a culture where everyone is a winner. And you are given a ribbon for just participating. The ribbon is conferred upon you and not earned by your efforts. Leadership is earned.

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Everything to Everybody

Everything to Everybody - 1Can a leader be everything to everybody on your team?

First of all I hope everyone had as good of a Thanksgiving as I had. I love the opportunity to be surrounded by family and friends and the copious amount of food doesn’t hurt either. As I sit at my desk on this first Monday in December, I am thinking about the additional fun my extended family had at the Renaissance Festival yesterday. I am looking at a picture that was taken as we entered the gates, and was struck by what other people may think is an odd grouping for a family. I have three kids, all girls, ages 25, 11 and 9. Yes 25. She actually has little ones of her own now.

So I was thinking, does my leadership reach everyone on my team, the way I intend it too? Does it need too? How can I change to make sure I am leading everyone effectively? Do I need too? Finally as a leader is it my responsibility to conform to everyone on my team’s needs?

I do my very best to treat everyone on my team the same way. But we all know that really is not possible, I mean you can’t treat your children as you would treat your wife. And you most certainly can’t treat your grandchildren the same way you treat your children……Or can you?

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