Category Archives: Fatherhood

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On being a “Courager”

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nomadThis is part three in a series of articles on teaching and leading your children. Part one, which introduces the series, can be found here.

I have told my kids that there are no monsters in their closets, but if there were, the reason they would be hiding in the closet is because they are scared of me. I’m guessing that although I find that a very funny idea that my kids aren’t really comforted by it. It certainly doesn’t teach them courage.

Because there aren’t any monsters in my children’s closets, I seek out other opportunities to teach courage. For example, I’m not scared of bugs because I can’t be. Someone has to kill them, and that duty falls under my job description. And if something goes bump in the night, it’s my job to get up and see what it is, and if necessary, it’s my job to deal with it. While there are teaching opportunities in each of these scenarios, overcoming a fear of bugs is probably not age-appropriate for my kids, and explaining the significance of things that go bump in the night would only give them nightmares (and would otherwise serve no purpose). Frankly, neither of these scenarios are of the sort that call upon the kind of courage that my children need at this stage in their lives.

There are other fears.

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The Business of Ethics

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MM - Ethics

I am sure there has been much written about ethics in leadership but I wanted to share some insights recently revealed to me.

I had a visit with some dear friends who have been in leadership positions and one is currently writing a book on “ethics in the university”. He is a retired professor and is a dear friend so, jokingly, I asked him if he had discovered any, to which there was a resounding NO.

The chats usually go with the state of our country then circles around to business models and ethics.

First, I’m not sure why we call it “business ethics”.

Is the place we learn business ethics, in business, or is it too late then?  Our conversation had me asking that question, “Where do we learn” ethics?

Well, I got the standard business answer we all should expect and the one you are thinking. We teach them in college and have training classes and seminars. Which isn’t bad, I might add!

As you may guess at this point in the conversation, I still had plenty of questions. So, one immediate question was; at what age do we start to teach ethics?

Where and when do “we” learn ethics?

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Teach Gratitude to a Preschooler in Four Simple Steps

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Gratitude

In all things give thanks… The five year old just celebrated her birthday. She received a predictably mountainous and diverse pile of presents from family and friends, and we had a princess party with Rapunzel wigs, manicures, make up, and an assortment of little princess activities. As any parent might, we made a big deal out of her day. Yet as her daddy, I asked myself before the party and after: what lessons are my little girl learning from this showering of attention and gifts, and are those lessons the right ones?

There are obvious lessons: I am special. I am loved. I am blessed. I am liked. My life is appreciated.

There are subtle lessons: Some people brought me nicer gifts than others. Some people seem to be having a better time than others. Some people seem to be sad (or angry) that I am the one receiving all the attention. Some people wish they had my toys.

And there are some lessons that are insidious: I didn’t get as many presents as my older sister got at her birthday. I think the present I got my friend for her birthday party is better than the one she got me. The party I went to last month was much more fun than my party. I don’t have as many friends as some of my other friends do.

You get the idea – all of these are non-specific and all of them apply. I am amazed as a still-rookie Daddy that these lessons are taught and learned at such a tender age. Yet it is my responsibility to lead my family through them: contentment, envy, fairness, jealousy, joy… but our focus for today is gratitude. As you develop a plan for teaching your kids to be grateful, consider these things:

1. You can’t teach what you don’t know.

Before you can teach anything to anyone – and especially your kids – you’re going to need to understand what it is you are teaching them. The word “gratitude” come from the same latin root word from which we derive the word “grace”. Although grace and gratitude don’t share precisely the same meaning, they are two sides to the same coin. Indeed, one could make a strong case that the proper response to grace is gratitude.

So, start like this: make a list of the graces you experience in your own life. Life itself is a good place to start, and while you are at it, think of other people who have led you, and taught you, and corrected you. And maybe even consider how people who have been less than gracious to you have shaped you in ways that have somehow or another worked out well. You can continue from there. Perhaps (and hopefully!) your children themselves are high on this list. Make certain that you consider how the people in your life figure into the grace/gratitude spectrum. This could as easily be called “counting your blessings”, but your list will have greater meaning to you and your kids if you write it down.

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The Magic of Compounding “Interest”

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4 Generations

The older I get, the more “interested” I am in Fatherhood. I am interested because I believe that there is a compounding or cumulative effect of being a good father. Just like there is a compounding effect to our money due to the interest it generates in an investment vehicle, so it is for us a fathers.  A good father begets a good father who begets another good father. And so it goes down through the generations. Or at least it is possible for it to happen that way.

This reality was driven home again today as 4 generations sat around the tables and enjoyed a Thanksgiving meal. We were fortunate to have my father, my son, and my two grandsons with us together for several hours fellowshipping at the table.

I have spoken many times about the impact that my father has had on my life. But up to this point I have not really made many statements about the impact that he is having on subsequent generations. He is a humble man and I will do well to model that as I continue to write this.

So what is the point on Fatherhood Friday?

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Legacy Leadership – Part 4 – Leaving a Legacy

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LL - 4 - 1You and I can have an impact upon others that outlasts your lifespan on this earth. In fact, it is unavoidable. The big question is whether or not that it will have been a positive impact.

Following certain Biblical principles, you can leave a legacy, a spiritual inheritance that will affect the lives of others for all eternity.

I have discussed this in my previous articles. And many others have discussed the idea of leaving a legacy as well. Presidents often speak of leaving a “legacy” when their term is done. You hear expressions like: “President Clinton’s legacy is…” or “What will President Bush’s legacy be?” These expressions are referring to the impact that their presidency will have upon future generations. It means, how will history remember them?

I want to talk to you today about leaving a Spiritual legacy, a spiritual inheritance, for those who come after us. Passing on to the next generations a legacy with eternal value is far more important than a temporal inheritance of money and property.

Proverbs 13:22 says, “A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children.”

But what does that really mean? I have already said that things of eternal value are of the utmost importance. So, on a practical level, what can I do?

LL - 4 - 2My wife and I recently met with our financial advisor. We looked at where we are currently and whether or not we are “on track”. He told us we are on track. That was good news. I asked him to share with us his projections and the parameters that he was using. He ran our life span out to age 90. And at the ripe old age of 90, he said we still had a little money left over to “leave to the children”. I felt pretty good about that. You know, leaving money to our young children and all. But then my wife asked him to run the projection out to age 100! Strangely enough we don’t have a whole lot of money left at that point. I was downhearted at the prospect of that. But, my intelligent and highly mathematically inclined wife quickly reminded me that when we are 100, our “children” will be in their early and mid 70s! They will probably have been retired for 15 or more years themselves! And their children will be in their 50s and probably thinking about retirement for themselves! I had it all wrong.

Well, consider the following as some practical guidance from a Biblical perspective.

Our children and grandchildren should be target #1 for our legacy. – Your primary task in life is

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Legacy Leadership – Part 2 – Building a Legacy

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Building a Legacy - P2 - 1Building a legacy involves many things. It involves a high degree of introspection. Legacy leaders are constantly asking themselves questions about their activities and interests. Here are just a few questions I want you to consider as we discuss building a legacy.

  • If you knew with absolute certainty that you’d die exactly 24 hours from right now, what would you do?
  • If you knew with absolute certainty that you’d die exactly 10 years from right now, what would you do?
  • Would there be any difference in your activities or the energy in which you went about them?
  • Who are the top five people that you’d want to invest your time in?
  • Do you know what you would want to pass on to them after you’re gone?

Every day, without knowing it, we are passing on to those around us who we are, what we possess and what we learn. But are we really passing along the stuff that matters for now and for eternity?

Building a Legacy - P2 - 2Most of us desire to leave an inheritance of significant value to those around us. Although we don’t always know what that means, what it includes, or how to go about it. We are bombarded in the media to plan for how to pass down our wealth. And we have some authors who are a part of Leadership Voices who can help you with those issues. But when it comes to the intangibles – the kind of stuff money can’t buy – we hear crickets from the media and from pop culture. Pop culture is concerned about the here and the now. In contrast, Legacy Leaders are concerned about those that come behind us.

We tell ourselves that we have lot’s of time. We tell ourselves that it’s OK and we will figure it out later. But the truth is, the average person will fail to pass on what matters the most to the people they care about the most.

Lord, please don’t let that be said of me.

Who comes to your mind first when you think about those you would want to pass down a lasting legacy?

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Train up a child…

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I’m the father of three little kids, and we’re just starting school for them. I’ve wondered a bunch lately about the things that they will learn this year, and where they will be successful, where they will struggle, and how I can lead my family through both ends of that spectrum. I’ve wondered how well they will be reading and writing, what sort of social experiences they will have… you get the idea if you are a parent.

I’ve also been thinking lately about the things that my children need to learn: an understanding of football, baiting a fish hook, how (and more importantly, when) to throw a punch, how to safely handle a pocket knife (for my oldest, at least), for a few examples.

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Fantasy Football and Family

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Fantasy Football - 1

And with the first pick of the 2014 Fantasy Football draft I pick . . .

I’m a big fantasy football player.   BIG.  I research players in the offseason.  I read and listen to the fantasy football prognosticators.  I prepare meticulously for the draft.  I participate in mock drafts for goodness sakes.  By draft day I know:  whom I want, in what round I want them, and what players I will avoid completely.  If I’m honest, I might be a bit obsessive.  Okay, I am a bit obsessive.  Okay, okay, I admit it, I’m really obsessive!

So, with the first pick of the 2014 Fantasy Football draft I pick . . .  my family.

That’s right, not Adrian Peterson or Peyton Manning, but my family.  I know without the shadow of a doubt that my family’s football stats will pale in comparison to those two fantasy studs, but I also know it is absolutely the right pick.  I realized that my obsession with fantasy football isn’t healthy.  Does that mean I’m quitting fantasy football?  Heck no.  Having hobbies you enjoy is an important element of a satisfying life.  It just means I am going to reprioritize the role it plays in my life.

Fantasy Football DraftI think the exercise of taking an honest look at our priorities is a very healthy one.  For you it might not be fantasy football, but I guarantee you that most of you have something in your life that has gained a higher degree of priority than it deserves.   Here’s a list of potential candidates:  your job, your friends, Facebook, your blog, Pinterest, church, food, golf, adult beverages, and on and on and on……  Whatever it is, find it, slap it in the face, and tell it to move on down the list.  I promise you it is less important than your family.

So you might be thinking (at least I hope you are thinking at least something), “Lance, shouldn’t your number one pick be God?”  To which I say, “No”.  Because I operate under the assumption that God is an all-consuming reality.  Without God there is no family, no football (and hence no fantasy football), no job, nothing.  God is the foundation of my priorities.  He isn’t on the list, because without Him the list is meaningless.  In fact, it doesn’t even exist.  God is above the list.

Fantasy Football - 3Whether or not you share that belief, I encourage you to make a list of your priorities.  Now.  Not next week, or next month.  Because we aren’t promised anything but right now.  Be brutally honest when you rank them.  Here are a couple of things to consider when you rank their importance:  

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Manday: The Lions That Don’t Exist Part One

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lion

On February 23, 2013, I posted an article about two men on a roof as part of my accountability series on Manday. To this day, I have been looking for ways to follow that up and continue my series on Manhood.  It has been a long journey since then.  It is no secret that at Leadership Voices there are different kinds of men that post to this website.  We come from different walks of life.  Some subscribe to the gentleman theory and some subscribe to the “kick in the door first-ask questions later” theory.  We stubbornly subscribe to these theories to a fault.  But ironically, we are great friends. And we are an encouragement to each other.

I am no gentleman.  You will tolerate a man like me because you sleep better at night knowing I hunt the lions you believe don’t exist.

I spent the past month in a class being taught how to investigate crimes against children.  The mental images that are imprinted in my memory still haunt me.  The Bible says Satan prowls like a “lion seeking who he may devour”. There are lions out there seeking to devour you, your wife, your finances, your job, and your health.  And if the lion claws, roar, and teeth can’t phase you and penetrate your comfort zone…it will hunt, seek, and destroy your children.

Lions don’t lick their prey to death.  Lions tear the flesh, break bones, then suck the marrow and life out of their prey.  Then they lick the sinews and blood off their fur.  They are happy like a child with ice cream all over their face.  But it’s not ice cream.  And it’s not a child.  It is a vicious animal who tears at its prey until it can be devoured.  Are you getting the picture?

Christians in Roman times were very familiar with this tragic portrait.  They were often thrown to the lions as halftime entertainment in the Coliseums between Gladiator battles.  So when Peter wrote that Satan is like a prowling lion; that imagery resonated with the early persecuted Christians.  Today, we don’t see the lions or we swat them away thinking they are an inconvenience and can be easily scheduled out of our lives.  Or we just change geography and the lions don’t exist anymore.

Lions don’t exist because we move to the suburbs.  We live in gated communities.  We can watch our property on our cell phones.  We have alarms on our houses and vehicle.  We can locate our children through GPS.  Even our motor vehicles will stop on a dime if we aren’t paying attention to the road in front of us.  If I live my life clean…I won’t see any hardship.  This clean Christian living is easy.

As leaders and men to your family, I caution you as Peter did to be alert and sober.  Always mindful, that you are a target for the enemy.  Be mindful of the lions outside your tent.  Be sober and alert.

(BTW-have you ever kicked in a door…it is an awesome feeling!)

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It’s a Small World

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dsc_0447The theme for yesterday for me was “small”. Josh Johnson wrote an outstanding debut article and the word “small” played a significant role. Later in the day I saw an item on Facebook written by my friend Dr. Bill Dyment on “Serving Small”. And then while finding something to watch with the grandkids before bedtime, I hear “It’s a Small World” playing on the Disney Channel.

So, I figure there is a message in there somewhere.

If there is a message in there for us on Fatherhood Friday, I think it may be this. Our children are not looking for a huge display of affection. This is especially true as they approach adolescence and the teen years. Instead, what they are looking for from us are the little gestures that say, “I love you”.

It's a small world - 1Many times we get caught in the trap of thinking that, since I can’t do ALL that I would like to do for my children, then I will not do anything for fear of falling short or missing the mark of parental perfection. This is a simple trap to fall into and a deep trap from which to try to escape.

Busy lives and hectic schedules will cause us to fall into the trap. But, guilt will keep us firmly in the iron grip of the trap. We feel guilty that we had to work late so we don’t know what to say to our children if we miss dinner together with the family. And those feelings of guilt cause us to withdraw and not reach out when we do get home. Exhaustion from a long day and the guilt of having missed spending time with the children are a bad combination that can feed upon itself and quickly spiral out of control.

What exactly then is the point on Fatherhood Friday?

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